Cons of Discontent

For some reason, I never can quite be happy with doing what I am supposed to be doing. It's not even something I am consciously aware of most of the time. Someone says stay in your seat, I want to walk around. Someone says don't sit down, that chair is the best spot in the universe. I can't do what I am told. It's extremely difficult. Is this some kind of deep seated character defect that I chose to have? Some people have told me it is. I don't think so. Who would choose this on purpose? Always contrary. Contesting everything I am expected to do. It's compulsive.

I'm not all that thrilled with the pattern my life is in right now. Work, eat, sleep, waste time trying not to think about work, work, eat, sleep, don't think about work, attempt to engage in some kind of recreation activity, try to work on a project but can't focus, work, eat, sleep, work, eat, sleep, get angry, flail around while trying to erase debts, work, eat, sleep. I can't think clearly, all I can do is feel angry and the anger isn't even clearly directed. I worry that by the time my expiry date comes up, nothing I have as a deep seated craving in my soul will be realised.

And no, I don't really like my job. Right, and then everyone goes "Who does?" Honestly, I would rather be filling bags of sand with my bare hands all day than put up with my brain being filled with inconsequential, trivial crap which will mean nothing in the end. I would rather be picking rocks out of the ground. Salt mines, that actually sounds fun at this point.